Mark and Corey: The Bear Whisperers or Two and a Half Bears (new CBS sitcom)

Preface: First off, this is a long one (that’s what she…, you get the idea). It had to been long because this is an epic tale. And so the tale goes...

Just one of the views during the hike (click to enlarge)

After Yellowstone (blog-post to come), Corey and I set off for Glacier National Park which is located in the upper left corner of Montana; the park is half in the USA and half in Canada (see below).

Two of the Canadian Park Rangers. "I'm not your buddy, guy"

A note on road conditions in the area: Not Awesome. Loose gravel , potholes, and major roadwork were going on everywhere. This did not bode well for Corey’s car and its 4 inches of clearance . It took quite the beating. We got this little number (see below) when a car in the opposite lane fired upon us. Quick note: All Montana roads have a speed limit of at least 70 mph, even if it is impossible to drive that speed and not hit a tree or fly off a cliff. I've decided it was Montana’s way of trimming its budget and getting to buy 70 MPH signs in bulk at Costco.

Thank god Corey's car has bulletproof glass.

So after some bumpy driving and one nearly destroyed windshield, we made it to the park and our campground. On our way in, we drove across a female black bear and her cub on the side of the road. Corey got some great pictures (my camera was dead; thanks a lot Nikon), as the bears were very close to the side of the road. We would soon find out that the black bear and her cub would also be staying at our campground.

We arrived a little late in the day (830pm), so we set up camp and opted not to do a hike that night. Instead, we did what all avid hikers and outdoorsmen do: consumed some beers and struggled to keep our campfire lit before passing out in a moderately leaky tent.

The next day, I awoke around 7am (incredible I know, but when the sun comes out and your tent goes from something to protect you from the outside environment to a large easy bake oven, it wakes you up).  As I was grabbing my toothbrush from the car, I glanced over to a path by the woods about 30 yards away. What do I see but our good black bear friend from yesterday with her cub. I attempted to take a picture but my camera had not properly charged overnight (thanks again Nikon).  I stood there and watched as they slowly went back in to the wooded area. Moments later the park rangers would show up. Apparently the two have been hanging out in the area for some time and refuse to leave. This is generally a bad situation since this is a camp ground…for humans. Personally, the bears didn’t seem to concerned with anyone and were just eating some vegetation in the area but the main concern of the rangers is if the bears get a hold of any human food - apparently this turns bears into ravenous killing machines (they actually put bears down if they know they have had the taste of sweet delicious human food).  If cartoons have taught me anything, its that these rapscallions just want a to steal my picnic basket and pose no harm to anyone but a certain one park ranger then again what do I know.

Don't underestimate his comical demeanor. First he'll take the basket, then your life.

After our second bear interaction, we finally set out to do a hike that one of the rangers had told us about. The hike was pretty impressive (see image at top of page). It started out through a wooded area, then opened up along a decent white water stream before climbing the side of a mountain. Along the way we ran across several snow packs that we had to go around (they weren't deep just extremely slippery and more like ice, which, when a cliff is at the bottom of it, is something you don't want to start sliding down); later on this snow would be become somewhat helpful to our well being. Eventually we reached a snowpack that was too big to go around and we decided to just start going straight up the side of the mountain rather than stay on the trail. In the essence of time and typing, short story: we went to the top of the peak (which was somewhat grueling) then slide down. We were able to slide since most of the mountain side was very loose slate – we were able to sort of ride a wave of rocks down the side. It was pretty fun. (See video below also for a snippet of us going up the hillside and note: the peak was not even close at that point like I thought)

One of the snowpacks blocking the trail and about where we started just climbing straight upwards.

Bout 1/3 of the way up. 

After quite a bit of sliding and hiking, we made it back to the trail and started heading back to the car. That’s when things got weird.

A note on bear safety: While hiking, you’re supposed to make large amounts of noise to let a bear know that you are coming because they are most dangerous when they are surprised.  Also, it is often advised to carry bear spray while hiking in bear territory.

We were too cheap for the bear spray, but were definitely yelling and clapping while doing the hike the whole time.

We entered the wooded area, roughly a mile from the start of the hike and our car and the delicious purple powerade held therein.

Never did I want one more than that day.

A note on dehydration: carry more than two small water bottles when doing hikes for longer than 5 hours.

We made our way through the wooded area, clapping and yelling random shit the entire time. Corey was in front with me about a step behind him. Then it happened. Corey abruptly stops, turns, and runs into me which seemed to occur as one harmonious movement. While doing so he yelled something that, at the instant it happened, I couldn’t really understand. I came to and quickly processed what he had said when I too saw the Grizzly bear, about 15 yards from us. Corey had yelled “holy shit, there’s one right there!!” to which I appropriately responded “Fuck!” as I quickly turned and ran as well.

A note on bear safety: Never run when encountering a grizzly bear. You should stop then slowly back away without making eye contact with the bear

Corey and I only ran for about 10 yards before stopping and realizing we shouldn’t be doing it. We briefly hid behind a tree to assess the situation before backing away from the bear. It too had momentarily ran away and was now standing staring at us seeing how the story would unfold.  We backed away long enough before we could no longer see the bear and then quickly made our way out of the wooded area to an opening on the trail. We sheltered beneath a tree since it was actually a very hot day.

To make matters that much better, we were both out of water and extremely thirsty – we had assumed we would be fine since the car was loaded with delicious powerade and was less than a mile away. Unfortunately a bear was even closer and was on the only trail that would lead us to said poweraid and car. Oh, and the previous day, while we were at Yellowstone, we found out that for the first time in 26 years someone had been killed by a Grizzly..that very day. So we had that to think about during the whole time.

We waited about 20 minutes, thinking of the best option to get back to the car and avoid being mauled. We opted to try to make our way along the white water stream since, if Bear Grylls has taught me anything, water often leads to freedom.  Unfortunately, this was not to be the case. Instead we struggled along the waterline, then the cliff line, nearly falling off several times, before reaching back up with the trail’s path. We were right back where we had previously seen the bear. Great.  We kept moving forward and sure enough, we go around one turn and see the bear just off the path to the right eating. It was a little further away this time (though still within 50 yards) and we decide to try and make some more noise and slowly walk along the path hoping it will run away. This doesn’t work. Instead it runs to the path and faces us, maybe 35 yards away. We begin quickly walking backwards making sure to avoid eye contact. Again, when it is out of sight we swiftly move out of the woods and to a clearing.

The white water stream nearby.

At this point, we are probably suffering from dehydration. I personally was starting to feel sick from not having water for a while. We decide we might as well drink from the fast flowing water nearby; it’s moving quickly and is probably glacier melt so it’s  like free spring water (just with a very small possibility of harboring giardia; see below).  Earlier we had used snowpack to fill our water bottles since we ran out of water earlier also (the snowpack was too far away at this point, though). We set up base camp near a tree for some shade and drank our fresh spring water while contemplating our next move. Since there was really no way to trek around where the bear was and get back to our car, we decided to just try the path again in 30 minutes and this time make even more noise.

Hopefully this little buddy isn't in the old intestinal lining.

So after over five hours from the start of our hike, we ventured back into the wooded area, this time with Corey “singing” as loud as possible (pretty loud if you know Corey) and myself banging my metal water bottle on a carabineer I had on my belt (turned out to be very loud also). Our pace was slow and we kept a close eye out for our new furry friend. Thankfully, the third time ended up being the charm and we made it past the area where the grizzly had been unscathed. We continued to make noise till we could see the car. We made it and there was much rejoicing. I quickly absorbed my powerade (the purple one tastes like a popsicle; I highly recommend it).

Me and you, Grizzly Adams.

So we survived what was hopefully our first and last close encounter with a wild grizzly bear. The first sighting was intense but having to go back knowing it might still be there was almost as nerve-racking. In the end, we have a decent story to tell and one terrible picture (you can barely make out the bear, as it was far away at that point…sorry I didn’t have time to zoom in and have the bear pose for me - the small issue of a  mauling was in the back of my mind).  If you’ve made it this far, congratulations; you’re probably the only one.  The End.

Stay tuned next time for Stories from Yellowstone and maybe Portland…